You know, becoming a mother at age 21 didn’t really prepare me for what lay ahead. I was so young….my husband didn’t share his life with me, so I was living in another world, bringing up a baby desperately clinging to hope. Always hoping things would change, get better and we would begin to live our lives as married couples are supposed to. That’s what I thought.
He was 27, loved his sport and his pals…..I simply didn’t fit in, nor did his baby girl. He had a bad temper. This only got worse as time went by, but when you’re young & in love, well you don’t see the ugliness only rainbows and lollipops, a make-believe world. After the birth of our baby boy, I seriously believed he would change, and sadly had to find out the hard way[as always] that this wasn’t to be. He would never change his ways, and I would inevitabley have to leave the marriage. With many plans failing my ‘escape’, the last one HAD to work!
I made it! Even though some rather nasty events took place in between, I still survived, and so too my children. Isn’t life strange? I spent a good part of six years running away from him, carting two little ones to every different destination and when we finally found peace, my daughter left me. I bring this up now as a memory, a sad memory and a sad reminder of all that I have lost. I do my upmost not to speak about her…it only leads to tears and headaches, but it’s Christmas, once more. This will be the 5th year without her in my life, and that of her siblings.
We do not know where she is, or who she wound up with. So already I am dreading Christmas day for I know how I am going to feel inside…the space where no one goes OR sees. I hide it because it’s my pain and until the day she finally comes back to me, my heart will continue to carry a void within. Maybe this will be the year?! Perhaps she will find it within her own heart to make contact? I can only pray. I miss you Rachael, no matter what has happened, I am still your mother andI love you…so too your family here. Wherever you may be, I pray you see this.